I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
