She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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