dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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