idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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