you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
