I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
