I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize