when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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