currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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