I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
