ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
