tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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