I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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