Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize