Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
