I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
