We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
