my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
