I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
