Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
