put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
