I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
