you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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