Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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