I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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