he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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