listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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