I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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