JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize