I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
