Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
