i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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