woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
