oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
