i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
