Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
