Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
