We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
