I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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