He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
