I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
