My hand turned me down
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
