So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
