You just made me feel so damn special
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
