I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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