dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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