omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Life is so much better after having sex.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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