Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize