Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
