Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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