I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
