Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
