I wanna bring you to show and tell
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
