god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
