well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
