Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
