But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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