You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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