I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
