I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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