I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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