wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
